WALK THIS WAY

WALK THIS WAY
(A repost from my other blog site)
July 02, 2007

Ok, fine...I admit it. I did say I'm not at all worried about the relationship between my age and my civil status. But I had a moment and just had to ask myself...Seriously, I just don't get it...I mean, I'm not in a hurry or anything...I love having my own time and all that. But...Di ba?! I just wanna know. Is it really by choice? Am I really ok being single still? Do I honestly detest the idea of walking down the aisle? No, not even that...Even just a lovely long walk alongside someone, perhaps?

And then I saw this test. It was way too good to pass up so, what the heck, I took it. And here it is... The result says:

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Yanna, you're single because you don't want to slow down

Whether you're working all hours, busy with school, or planning a cross-country move, it sounds like you just don't have time for anyone else in your life...right now, that is. Your timing may be off in other aspects, too. Chances are, you've met that perfect person who just so happens to be married or planning their own cross-country move. So take a step back for a moment. Is there something underlying this? Could it be you're afraid to get involved for some reason or another, and are therefore attracted to people who are simply unavailable?

Whether you're secretly sabotaging yourself or not, try a little exercise. Open your mind to those who are around you (and available!) right now. Then let up on your schedule to let that someone in. That is, unless you want to get married to your goals, and not Mr. or Mrs. Right.

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Oh dear... Next question: Am I in trouble? No, am I really doing it on purpose? And why? What am I "afraid" of?! See, that part kinda' rattled me a bit. But first...the entire thing about being always busy and all that is soooo true. My dearest friends can ardently attest to that; they find it pretty hard to catch me on a "free" time. And yes... My closest friends would know exactly how I love filling up my calendar 'til it reaches "Amazing Race" mode. Talk about multi-tasking, indeed!

I dunno. I love the energy of always having something to work on. Ok, let's see...As of today, I am working on the following: 1) The 3rd Backdoor Ventures Arts & Music Festival, 2) a Community Organizing endeavor, 3) writing an IEC material for a UN project, 4) self-studying real estate law, 5) organizing my work for an exhibit, 6) finishing my book, 7) doing database mining for a business/project feasibilty study, 8) gearing up with my performance group...

Wait, let me double-check...Did I miss anything? Ok...that list includes my job, side-projects, tasks, and creative endeavors. On top of all that, I'm a mother, a daughter, a sister, and a friend (which I'm really sucky at right now 'coz I haven't really gotten down to really spending time with them, lalo na my Mia! Ack! I know you're gonna kill me na, dear...But I swear I'll set aside time for you na soon...Kasi naman ang work sched mo rin kaya noh?! Love you!).

SO...

What did the test result say again?

Alright, alright. I AM kinda' overdoing it already. But...But...Awww, please, you have to understand! The rush gives me the rush...It makes me feel accomplished, it makes me feel important. I feel good about myself being able to achieve such things. It makes me feel that I can contribute to a greater good...That I'm not as worthless as what's-his-face made me feel...That I'm not a ragdoll...It makes me feel good being appreciated for my output...It gives me strength knowing that I am able to do all these things... That I am not weak...

Fine. It's true. In the process, I don't really get to spend that much time with the people who matter most...Not even myself. It may seem that I'm Ms All-Party indeed. Hell man, I work hard...you gotta give me that, right?! This woman's mantra is "Work Hard, Party Harder!" But yeah...If the mantra says so, and I overdo it with my tasks - ergo, Ms Party Harder has gotten messed up here and there a couple of times indeed. And boy, am I so not proud of it...

A guy (Not a man, take note. There's a big difference, thank you.) once told me that I should stop trying to be more than what I'm not...I said, "No. Perhaps you insisted on seeing me as 'less' and refused to see me grow...What more grow with me..." I believe no woman, or man, deserves to be seen with limited vision. Not by anyone, especially by someone who apparently could use a little more effort to be better in more ways than one.

So here we go...More than the issue of being "afraid to get involved," beyond the question of being single still, this not-slowing-down thing has just made me realize that it's more than just a future-partner I'm losing here in favor of my goals...I think I'm losing warmth...I'm losing life! I have gone totally possessed by these...goals. I've been wanting so much to cover up the pain of being on the receiving end of reductionary comments told and violent acts inflicted in the past that have really pounded my soul to bits that I keep proving myself worthy of appreciation, praise, and respect when I've already done and given so much. And I just can't stop. I feel the need to keep going on and on...I take unbelievably insane paces trying to accomplish a lot of things all at the same time. Til I exhaust myself completely. Draining myself slowly.

Not that my achievements are all empty. I am very passionate with everything that I do. But it seems like I couldn't get enough anymore. I'm already being too hard on myself, I think. I fear that when I stop conqueing new ground, that feeling of being someone's ragdoll will return...And that's one dark abyss that I don't ever want to be in ever again...

I know. I do have to slow down and stop being too hard on myself...I have to realize that I can only do so much, and doing so is not any indication of weakness at all. And that I already am appreciated as I am with all that I have achieved, am working on...No, in fact, just simply for what I am. I don't have to push it way too far. I have to learn to relax. For a change. And I do deserve it...

So...Back to that "afraid to get involved" part...Anyone up for a stroll?

Then again, perhaps I should do a little stretching first...I wouldn't wanna get sprained in the middle of a lovely walk now, do I?